Tired of People letting me down, and feeling used…

Wish I could see thru, see deep into you, and know what you’re thinking now…And if I’m what you needed, I need some kind of sign, let me know, cause I can’t read your mind…are you in, or am I in this on my own?  I need some proof from you, let me know babe….Do you feel me? Do you read me? Tell me am I getting thru to you? I wanna know..Are you with me? Are you listening? Baby is my message getting thru?  Do you feel me babe? oh baby…cause I can feel you…

You play it so cool, won’t let nothing show thru, won’t show what you’re feeling, naw….and you lie to keep me, keeping me here in the dark…I can’t see thru into your heart…Let me in, ignore this mystery. cause i just can’t stay in this blessed game…Do you feel me? Do you read me? Tell me am I getting thru to you? I wanna know, are you with me? are you listening? baby is my message getting thru? do you feel me babe? oh baby, I can feel you…..

And don’t keep me clinging on the line baby, tell me if you want me and if you don’t… then let me go,  just answer one question, don’t leave me here guessing,  tell me now, Do you feel me? Do you read me? Tell me am I getting thru to you? I wanna know, are you with me? are you listening? baby is my message getting thru? do you feel me babe? oh baby, I can feel you…….

I’m on my year count down for chemotherapy-my Journal

Jan. 19, 2010  / 12:30pm EST

I started chemotherapy today…at least I startes a “form” of it anyway. The doctor said he really wanted to get me on it asap, but I kept delaying it and delaying it, I think mostly because of fear of what was to come. But I did go ahead and let him start me on the Herceptin-which is just a cancer cell divider blocking agent if I understand it correctly. I begin with this treatment every 3 weeks.

After the first treatment I had a very bad case of the chills, and nose bleed. I could not stop shaking and trembling all night. I never made it off the couch that night.  I woke up to what appeared to now be a cold. I had a runny nose and sniffles. That runny nose and sniffles NEVER left.

Feb. 9, 2010 / 12:30pm EST

Today I started my 2nd treatment of the Herceptin drug and iron..which by the way takes 1 hr and 1/2 to drip in. The chills never came back but I did still have nose bleed, and now nausea. The nausea has remained to this day, and has NEVER left. Each day since this day, I have been nauseated and not feeling very well. It’s still hard to eat because I have no appetite, and my taste buds had already began to change after the 1st treatment.

Mar. 4, 2010 / 11:45am EST

Today was the first day of ALL THE CHEMO drugs..I am going to list them so that I have a record of them: Herceptin, Ferrlecit which is the iron, Carboplatin, Taxotere, Ativan, Benidryl, Decadron, Zofran, and then I also have Xanax and Effexor for my stress and nerves. So as you can see I am pretty pumped up with alot of medications.

Now this particular treatment was the actual start of the REAL chemo drugs that cause all the side effects. It was supposed to be a 3 hr treatment which ended up taking 5 hrs and I have no idea why!!! but at 5:30pm EST, I was headed down to wait for my daughter to pick me up and noticed my hands had swollen the size of men hands, and I felt my legs swell up too. So I went back upstairs to ask the doctor about it, and while he was talking to me, his voice started sounding like he was talking to me thru a tunnel. I was unsteady on my feet so he told me to sit in the waiting area so they could keep an eye on me. I sat down but kept wanting to lay down for some reason. A short while later my daughter called to say she was there, and I got up told the receptionist I was leaving, she asked if I was feeling ok and I said yes…

That was the last thing I remember. I woke up to the doctor and nurse picking me up off the floor, saying I had passed out and hit my head on the counter on the way down. I don’t recall any of that at all!!! Now I was a little disoriented so the doctor called over to the E.R. at the hospital to have me checked out, there they ran a CT Scan and drew some blood and gave me more nausea medicine….and let me rest. they said I wasn’t dehydrated, and hadn’t gotten results of CT scan back yet..so around 10:30pm EST I was released to go home.

Needless to say the immediate days following have been very tiring and draining. I slept Friday away, Saturday I was up twice for short periods of time, but had very little energy. Today is Sunday and I am still in bed, not feeling well, have been up all night, stomach hurting, not feeling right, something just doesn’t feel right. my hands still swollen, and now I notice a rash on my chest..geez!!! what next.

Been awhile but I am back on track…this is an update of my status

I made it thru the surgeries…all of them. I am done for now. I am healing and still bruised but getting better each day. I am healing mentally also with some really deep issues I had been struggling with and dealing with for a long time. I seem to have found myself again, and my inner strength to help get me thru those dark days and lonely nights. I hope I don’t sound bitter because I am not bitter at all, I have learned alot, and matured even more than I had before, and now I know I can get thru this game called LIFE!!!

I know I can get thru it by myself, with noone to hold my hand, and noone to stand by my side. All I needed was me all along, and I forgot that somewhere along the way. But I remember now, and I am back on track, focused on ME, ME, ME!!! and if I sound a little selfish, then I probably am..If I sound a little conceited, then I probably am…but you know what I don’t even care anymore..It’s my life and I’ll do as I want to!!

I work hard, I play hard and I love even harder…I have learned to let go, and truly let go!! Letting go was always the hard part for me….but I did it!! I am a free spirited person, I am a spontaneous person, I am a loving person, I am a good person. I am an honest and truthful person. If noone sees this nor recognizes it, then that’s their problem not mine, and I will not own it.. I don’t want to, and I don’t have to.

If it’s not convenient for me, then guess what??!! It’s not working out…and it’s not going to work out until it is. You(whomever “you” are) will have to earn my love, and devotion and work hard to win me over to believe you are what I need in my life…And if I don’t believe it, then it ain’t happenin’….

So get your shit in order, and bring your “A” game!! because this here is that “Top Shelf” stuff..!!!

Chapter 2..skeletons in my closet

As I think back to when I was younger, and how everyone would treat me differently…I never understood why and to this day I still don’t. I can recall times we would go visit family and my cousins would laugh at me, talk about me, and sometimes even pick fights with me.  Looking back I had so many problems back then; I was a very sheltered being, my mom would always say “no, …because I said so”, or “no you can’t go out and play with the other kids…they are bad influences..” So many days and nights and even years I spent alone, forced to sit on the porch and just watch the other children playing in the neighborhood…secretly wishing I could be among them. My cousins would always ask me “why do you do that?..” “what’s wrong with you?”, “you’re weird”….the “that” they were referring to were little quirks or “nervous tics” as the doctor called them..I had no idea “why” I did any of it…I just knew I did them…maybe it was the anxiety I had built up from never being allowed to do anything, all I knew was that I did them, and it was years on top of years it continued.

Grade School, High School, it always seemed that I was the target of ridicule, and the object of every bully. True I was quite and shy and stayed to myself with the exception of 1 or 2 friends..but I think my quietness was a result of how mom raised me. I was never allowed to socialize with anyone.

Grade school was the pits!!! all the kids knew that if I got in a fight all they had to do was tell my mom and I was getting in trouble once I got home..needless to say I got in quite a few scuffles..by the time High school came around, I was sent to school in the 80′s wearing an afro..can you imagine how the other kids teased me??even some of the teachers teased me..God!! I was so miserable..

I ultimately decided to just fade into the dust….by this I mean I decided to drop out of high school during my junior year..at first I began to just skip a few days here and there, but then it became so easy and habit that I dropped out all together…..During this time yes like most teenagers, I dabbled in drugs..I smoked weed, cigarettes and started drinking. I thought that was better than being teased…

At age 15 I remember my mom calling home from work and telling me I was going to get it when she got home. I hadn’t done anything to get in trouble and I dreaded the discipline, as extension cords were her favorite choice. I hated the punishments, and I hated her.  So what did I do? I ran!!!..I ran and I ran and never looked back, because I did not want to be home when she got there. I was only away from home for about a couple of weeks, before I was tricked into coming back home. I had an uncle who lived next door who knew how strict my mother was and I think secretely relished in the fact I was so sheltered. Little did I know he was a pediphile. Secretely watching every move I made.  My uncle made several advances on me, which I told my brother and mother, and ended up we moved away. My mom never confronted my uncle, she just moved us away.

When I turned 16,  I remember getting into an argument with Donald, my brother, and ended up running away from home again..This time I was gone for a few months, during which time I stayed out late, drinking, smoking weed, and looking for love. I think I was doing what alot of teens did back then, so it seemed normal to me, but there came a time when I was so tired of being out in the streets, drinking, hanging out all night, feeling obligated to those who let me crash at their house, that I finally went back home for a little while.

At age 17 I found myself dating a boy from grade school. He was one of the cutest boys in school back then and he liked me!!! Now that meant everything to me during that time. I was so into this guy I would have done just about anything for him and in order to be with him..and I was so caught up in the attention I received that I felt I finally belonged, like I was loved, and I ate it up, for all it was worth. I would sneak out the house late nights just to hang out with him and be with him, I would even sneak him into my bedroom thru the window…oh wow!! I was so crazy in love, and carefree. I grew up the ugly duckling but turned into a beautiful swann…men found me sexy, attractive and fun. Now this guy from grade school was smooth and he knew it..All the girls wanted to be his girlfriend, and here I was finally getting my turn. He could and did tell me things I believed wholeheartedly. He wanted me to move with him to California, which I without hesitation said yes….he promised me, we would get jobs, and start our life together….hmmmm..I still remember the song he dedicated to me, and everytime I hear it, even today, it makes me think of him and how silly I was back then..Bernard Wright-”Who do you love” The words of the song seemed to fit my time with him to the letter. Little did I know this smooth operator had other plans he never told me about..like going to Los Angeles and pimping , being a control freak, things became so clear AFTER I went with him to Los Angeles. yes I went…of course I did, I was so in love with him. But as I said previously I would have done just about anything for him and to be with him…anything that is except watch him be with other girls in front of me, anything except strip in strip clubs for him, anything but sell my body for him…and that made him soooo angry…He would tell me things like, “just do it for a little while, just until we get to where we are going, and then you won’t have to do it anymore.” “ Just do it for me”,  he would say, “just go along with it, trust me, you love me don’t you”. I vividly remember my favorite phrase back then…”MY MOM DIDN’T RAISE ME LIKE THAT”, “I DON’T HAVE TO BE HERE, I CAN GO HOME”. I saw a side of him that I didn’t like, he could be so mean and heartless…he put me out of the hotel room for not doing what he wanted me to do….I found myself at one point in the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up in juvenile for a week(until I turned 18) Once I got out, I still refused to go home, I wanted to be with this guy so badly…..so I stayed out in Los Angeles for a while longer….until I became sick that is…..

Opening up…what you didn’t know.

For as long as I can remember, or as far back as I can recall…my life has always been one that didn’t quite fit with the rest of the world. I don’t know if it’s due partly because of how I was raised or how I began preceiving life. ..In either case it has taken me on a journey filled with pain, heartache, love, danger, wisdom and maturity. Who am I really? I am Lydia and this is my story.

From the early ages of 7 or 8, I vividly remember when the abuse began. I am the youngest of 2 and the middle child of 3…sound confusing? it’s really quite simple..I am the youngest of my mother’s children, but the middle child of my fathers children..I have an older brother to which I share the same parents….and I have a younger sister to which I share the same father. For the sake of protecting the guilty and the innocent, let’s call my brother Donald and my sister Samantha.My goal is not to hurt nor embarrass anyone, but simply to tell my story and find some peace.

Mom used to take college courses at night, and that left me home alone with Donald, more often times than not, and she would always tell me to do what Donald said. Donald, I think secretely enjoyed those nights when we were left alone.  I’ll explain why later. Now at 7 or 8 years of age, all you want to do is play and enjoy living and life. When there are only 2 siblings you learn to play together, or at least try to get along, and Lord knows all I wanted to do was get along and for my big brother to play with me.

Donald was strange in that he would normally not want to be bothered with me, let alone play with me, but on the days or nights when we were left alone, he would always have specific games he wanted to play. One game in particular that I remember was where I was supposed to pretend to be “knocked out” and Donald was supposed to try to revive me..lol, I laugh now because it sounds funny when I think about it, but it really was not a very fun nor funny game, especially not at the age of 7 or 8. And then there was the “tent” game…he would build us a tent made out of chairs and blankets, and we would have a fan blowing cold air on us, and in order to stay warm, we would crawl into the tent….

I often times wondered if mom knew and just turned a blind eye, or if she really had no idea as to what went on when she left me alone with Donald. Either way, I lived thru it to see another day, and it helped shape my opinion and outlook on dark complexion men..(wait!! no I am not prejudice by any means!!!) But I can’t say that the things he did to me, didn’t play a factor in my dislike for certain types of people.

As time went on,  it became sort of the “normal” routine or ritual if you will..mom leaves, Donald decides he wants to play with me..and so on and so on. I can recall at some point I think I was tired of being the “object” of his fancy, and so I had a friend come over after school one time, and told her to go and see what my brother wanted…Hindsight and decades later, I really feel bad now, but at the time all I could think was “better her than me”…please don’t judge me, I was a little girl confused and desperate for Donald to get interested in someone other than me for a change. Back then I didn’t even know what he was really doing, at age 8, I thought “oh God!! he’s pee’ing on me”. I know now that he was ejaculating on me..so gross!!

As I grew up, it seemed that I was the target for many of the males in the family; cousins and  uncle, and I think I learned to block it out, and just accept that this was my life. Why didn’t I tell someone, well between the ages of 7-10 and raised in a sheltered environment I didn’t think to tell on Donald, because I was just happy that he was not yelling at me, and telling me to go away, because he did not want to be bothered  with me….

I will write more tomorrow. I am so tired, and exhausted. Chapter 2 -Lydia’s childhood and school.

If I could tell my story….the world would be amazed!!

Good evening world…today is Friday Dec. 18 2009, and we are 7 days away from Christmas..I am so not ready for this holiday..I have to do what little shopping I am going to do before the holiday, this weekend..and then the rest will have to wait until after the holiday..(we are in a freakin’ recession!!!)

I have been in the house all day today, mainly upstairs in my room.. resting, and stretching my arm (because Lord knows I do not want to have physical therapist try to help me stretch my arm muscles)..I am making some slight progress…I just keep pushing past the pain. I have so many things to think about, that it was actually good to not have to go anywhere nor think about anything specific today.

I go back to work Monday Dec. 28th on a gradual return to work schedule(working 4 hrs a day for 2 weeks and adding 2 hrs the week after until I am back up to 8 hrs) I hope I am mentally ready for the return to work, taking the calls, getting back into all my systems and reading thru 3 months worth of email.oh joy!! 

I have some thinking to do after the holidays, regarding chemotherapy..I decided to wait until after the rest of the surgery is finished, but reading the information on chemotherapy, I am a little leary of going thru it for a year. This entire experience(can I even call it that?) has been such a whirlwind, tiring, frustrating, and scary. I am still trying to find my emotions and let my feelings come out, but it seems a little difficult.

I have also been thinking about my life, my journey and how I got to this point.(going thru cancer crisis will definitely make you think about life, your life)..I often wonder if I ever opened up and told my whole story, what would the world think about me? I’m not saying I have some gruesome, hideous past..but I do have a past and a present…both of which would be shocking for some. I think I have done fairly well considering where I came from, how I was raised, and the choices I made in my life, especially compared to some other people in the world. I am neither proud of nor ashamed of my life, my past, my present as I feel every experience has been part of the learning process, and part of the journey on the path God has laid out for me.

I know some of my choices could have been different, and maybe God put decisions in my path in order to see if I would choose the right path or the wrong path, but the funny thing is He already knew what path I would choose before I ever chose it..lol so…go figure that one out. I am smart enough to know life is about test, and faith, and will power..We are given test to see if we have the will power to make the right choice and the faith to know that if we choose the right choice He will see us thru it, and bless us for it. Often times I think we don’t choose the right path, because at that moment, the wrong path seems more interesting, more appealing, or we are not trusting enough to know that the right path may and could be just as interesting once we choose it. For all of my wrong choices, I have found I am stronger and wiser for them. For all of my right choices I have learned my will power and inner strength outweigh my own uncertainties..

I know I am a free spirit, adventurous, and observative. I am cautious yet I through caution to the wind. I love travelling, and meeting new people, yet I am hesitant to just befriend anyone.I  guess I sound very contradictary, but at the same time I think life can be like that from time to time. I can honestly say I have done it all, yet there are still things I have not yet done. I have seen alot but yet not seen it all. I have learned to never judge anyone, and not to try to change anyone, for people can only be who they are, and that is the person God has prepared them to be.  I learned to find within myself what my comfort and tolerance level is and with that I was able to accept people and their flaws, and if it was outside of my comfort level, then I was able to move myself away from that which I was not comfortable with.

I found the ability to open up and get to know people, and teach people, and befriend people, things I never thought possible. The fact I am able to sit here and write about anything, is saying alot!! It says I survived all my bad choices, even those that looked blique, and believe you me there were many times things looked pretty blique. But I survived. I pulled thru.

Only now, it seems I survived and pulled thru all of “that” only to now go thru “this”…Is this what God planned for me? have I handled it correctly and made the right choices? “This” has definitely caused me to reflect on self, ask God for forgiveness where needed, and to vow to be a better, stronger person. I still have hopes of things turning around for me, and if they don’t then I pray I use that inner strength to do what is right, and make the right choices.

If it sounds as though I am talking in riddles I apologize as I don’t mean to, but I am trying to make sense out of my life “today”. I can only focus on one day at at time, as it comes. Nothing in life is promised except the promise that we will die. So I must try to live to the fullest, enjoy each day best I can, and make the most of the time I have on earth. My life has definitely been dealt a series of red flags and bad omens….and I am still here, still going….so I have resolved to not let anything get me to the point that I cannot write, or blog about my feelings. When I can’t speak to anyone about my feelings, I rely on blogging, and am thankful to be able to do so.

I hope that my story one day reaches everyone’s ears, eyes,etc…and I hope that the things I am trying to share are understood and that someone can learn something from what I do blog about. I hope to be able to one day open up fully and share in detaill the journey I have travelled to get to this point. The reasons why certain things happened or didn’t happen, why I stayed, why I did what  I did, what are my plans going forward, will one day be explained and discovered right here on my blog site.. so all I can say is stay tuned, and subscribe to my blog and you will learn all you ever wanted to know about “Tracie” or whoever I am….

Murphy’s Law is out to get me y’all

I swear….Murphy’s Law is out to get me, and it sure seems to be winning. Today I had my first doctor appointment with the oncology doctor. I really think that God is testing my strength, and ability to trust in him…I keep hearing one negative after another..I don’t think I can take much more…NOW the doctor says even though I have had the masectomy, I STILL have to have chemotherapy!!!… He tried to explain it and show me the statistics that say women my age, with the type and stage cancer that I had, have the BEST chance of living and NOT having the cancer return ONLY IF THEY HAVE CHEMOTHERAPY!!…but that there is still no guarantee that the cancer will not return, it could still come back.

OMG!!! now I have to worry about hair loss, being sick, being tired and a slew of other side affects. He did not say that I “could” or that I “might” lose my hair, he said yes the strength of chemo that he has to give me “WILL” cause my hair to fall out!!!…and that I have to have chemo for 1 year.

and to think I went to this appt, with the “positive” thought and hope that he would say “no I didn’t need any further treatment” …but not me…Murphy’s Law is on my ass!!!…when it rains it pours, just when you think you have it all together…..BAM!!!!

I have decided that I will wait to start chemo, until after the REST OF MY RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY IS DONE….yes I am still going thru reconstructive surgery!!!…he did not think I should wait until then, but you know what?? It’s my body, my life and my choice….why would I want to wait almost a year before getting this surgery over with? why would I want to go back to work, not having this surgery completed?? I already am going back for 2 weeks without having it completed and that is weighing on me mentally…but to go 8 months for no reason…I don’t think so!!!

I told him I will do the chemo after my surgery, which should be in Feb…2 months away…I am soo tired and drained from all of this being thrown on me at once…I don’t think I will ever get a moment to sigh and feel the frustration leave my body……

Tiger Woods, Infidelity, the other woman, whose to blame?

Let’s talk about “the other woman”, infidelity, and whose to blame?  I am sick of the media running down “the other woman”….as if she did it all by herself….I am sick of the media running down “the cheating man” as if he is supposed to be “beyond human and perfect”. Who do they think they are to pass judgement on someone else, before even knowing the facts, and as if it’s there business to begin with. When a male celebrity decides to marry a woman, his only responsibility and obligation is to that woman, not the media , not friends, not other family, not even fans… it’s no different than a regular man who is not famous, getting married…he too is only responsible and obligated to that woman. And when a man cheats on his wife, he is only responsible for discussing it with his wife, and the other woman.

I can not believe how the media and fans have passed judgement and played jury regarding Tiger Woods. I don’t ever recall him standing up proclaiming to be PERFECT!!!…The MEDIA AND FANS put the responsibility of being PERFECT on him…and then when he acted human, and made a mistake everyone played judge and jury..

And as for “the other woman”, while morally yes she may have been wrong for getting involved when she knew he was already married….whose to say what he may or may not have told her in order for her to get involved with him? True enough it looks like she was in it for monetary gain, and to have something to hold over his head, but is it really our place to judge when we were not there, we were not a part of any conversation that may or may not have been had between them? I will be talking about this live this Saturday December 12th during my 4pm EST show..if you have a comment or want to voice your opinion be sure to tune in and or call in http://www.blogtalkradio.com/realtalktracie or 1-646-478-0815.

This is for the steppers of the world

I wanted to stop what I was doing, and write a blog about steppin’….why? because I  often read other’s blogs and I feel so inspired to speak my mind. I just wish all steppers everywhere could and would read this.

I can tell that this steppin’ dance is becoming more and more  popular with people everywhere, and I am happy to see more interest as it’s truly a fun dance. In the city I live in, there are so many people who say they like steppin’ , want to learn it, enjoy watching it, but something seems to hold them back from actually taking that next step to learning it. Now personally I know how frustrating it can be learning the basic foundation of the dance, 123, 456, 78 …yes it takes a minute to get your feet to do what your mouth says, and to snap at the same time on the beat…but with practice it can be done. I also know personally how good it feels to finally get it!!!

I love teaching this dance, the basic foundation and count to both men and women, 1,4,78 for the men, and 123,456,78 for the women and it really is not a gender specific count, it’s more of a whose going to lead count, for the lead position and count, it can be fun, because you have the freedom to do what you want, move the way you want as long as you lead your partner on the beat….and for the follower it can be fun because you have the job of making the dance look good. making it sexy, and making it inviting to those watching it.

I have been doing this for the last 5 years and I have grown so much in this dance. When I am out dancing with someone it’s always fun to me to see the look of surprise and approval from my partner, one because they seem surprised at how “smooth” I am and how “graceful” I make the dance look, and two because I am happy I am able to follow their lead, and add my own footwork in at the same time.

I have travelled to various cities, and been a part of different workshops just to get the hang of it, and see how others are teaching it and dancing the dance. I observe and pick up different moves along the way, especially footwork, and I think I have gotten pretty good at it. I notice how everyone watches as I dance, and I notice also how the ladies really look at my footwork, the men just smile, nod and then try something else….lol

Last time I was at a set in Chicago, one of the guys I was dancing with commented on how soft my hands were…lol and how I wasn’t afraid of the dance.. I thought no way I LOVE this dance!! as for soft hands, uhhh I am a woman and my hands should be soft right??!!

He is a really good stepper, and it was my first real dance with him, so I was pleased with the way I danced, and my ability to follow him. I think he enjoyed the dance with me, but I know I enjoyed that dance…I left the floor smiling and happy. That is what this dance is about and should be about. Having fun, enjoying the dance and leaving the floor with a smile on your face….lol

I am looking forward to my trip to L. A. in January for Martin Luther King Weekend Stepper’s Event. I plan to dance as much as possible, and I am looking forward to some special dances with some friends I made last year when I attended.

What I want to say to all the steppers out there, if you want to learn this dance, don’t let anything stop you. If you want to enjoy this dance, don’t let anyone stop you. You have to get out there, visit different sets, in different cities, and see how it’s done. Take a class if you have to, a workshop or private lesson with a good instructor who is truly trying to teach you the dance, not just trying to take your money or get you in the bed.

Yes it’s a flirty dance, or it can be, but keep it in context with what it’s really about-THE DANCE!!!  I flirt sometimes when I am on the floor dancing, I make sure to give my partner of the moment the best dance experience of the night. I think most of them know by now based on how I conduct myself, that I am just dancing and having fun with it. I am not trying to pick up any men, nor give the impression that I am wanting that kind of attention, because I don’t. What I do want is for them to leave the floor with a smile and come look for me again on another song, so that once again we can get our step on!!!