Tired of People letting me down, and feeling used…

Wish I could see thru, see deep into you, and know what you’re thinking now…And if I’m what you needed, I need some kind of sign, let me know, cause I can’t read your mind…are you in, or am I in this on my own?  I need some proof from you, let me know babe….Do you feel me? Do you read me? Tell me am I getting thru to you? I wanna know..Are you with me? Are you listening? Baby is my message getting thru?  Do you feel me babe? oh baby…cause I can feel you…

You play it so cool, won’t let nothing show thru, won’t show what you’re feeling, naw….and you lie to keep me, keeping me here in the dark…I can’t see thru into your heart…Let me in, ignore this mystery. cause i just can’t stay in this blessed game…Do you feel me? Do you read me? Tell me am I getting thru to you? I wanna know, are you with me? are you listening? baby is my message getting thru? do you feel me babe? oh baby, I can feel you…..

And don’t keep me clinging on the line baby, tell me if you want me and if you don’t… then let me go,  just answer one question, don’t leave me here guessing,  tell me now, Do you feel me? Do you read me? Tell me am I getting thru to you? I wanna know, are you with me? are you listening? baby is my message getting thru? do you feel me babe? oh baby, I can feel you…….

I’m on my year count down for chemotherapy-my Journal

Jan. 19, 2010  / 12:30pm EST

I started chemotherapy today…at least I startes a “form” of it anyway. The doctor said he really wanted to get me on it asap, but I kept delaying it and delaying it, I think mostly because of fear of what was to come. But I did go ahead and let him start me on the Herceptin-which is just a cancer cell divider blocking agent if I understand it correctly. I begin with this treatment every 3 weeks.

After the first treatment I had a very bad case of the chills, and nose bleed. I could not stop shaking and trembling all night. I never made it off the couch that night.  I woke up to what appeared to now be a cold. I had a runny nose and sniffles. That runny nose and sniffles NEVER left.

Feb. 9, 2010 / 12:30pm EST

Today I started my 2nd treatment of the Herceptin drug and iron..which by the way takes 1 hr and 1/2 to drip in. The chills never came back but I did still have nose bleed, and now nausea. The nausea has remained to this day, and has NEVER left. Each day since this day, I have been nauseated and not feeling very well. It’s still hard to eat because I have no appetite, and my taste buds had already began to change after the 1st treatment.

Mar. 4, 2010 / 11:45am EST

Today was the first day of ALL THE CHEMO drugs..I am going to list them so that I have a record of them: Herceptin, Ferrlecit which is the iron, Carboplatin, Taxotere, Ativan, Benidryl, Decadron, Zofran, and then I also have Xanax and Effexor for my stress and nerves. So as you can see I am pretty pumped up with alot of medications.

Now this particular treatment was the actual start of the REAL chemo drugs that cause all the side effects. It was supposed to be a 3 hr treatment which ended up taking 5 hrs and I have no idea why!!! but at 5:30pm EST, I was headed down to wait for my daughter to pick me up and noticed my hands had swollen the size of men hands, and I felt my legs swell up too. So I went back upstairs to ask the doctor about it, and while he was talking to me, his voice started sounding like he was talking to me thru a tunnel. I was unsteady on my feet so he told me to sit in the waiting area so they could keep an eye on me. I sat down but kept wanting to lay down for some reason. A short while later my daughter called to say she was there, and I got up told the receptionist I was leaving, she asked if I was feeling ok and I said yes…

That was the last thing I remember. I woke up to the doctor and nurse picking me up off the floor, saying I had passed out and hit my head on the counter on the way down. I don’t recall any of that at all!!! Now I was a little disoriented so the doctor called over to the E.R. at the hospital to have me checked out, there they ran a CT Scan and drew some blood and gave me more nausea medicine….and let me rest. they said I wasn’t dehydrated, and hadn’t gotten results of CT scan back yet..so around 10:30pm EST I was released to go home.

Needless to say the immediate days following have been very tiring and draining. I slept Friday away, Saturday I was up twice for short periods of time, but had very little energy. Today is Sunday and I am still in bed, not feeling well, have been up all night, stomach hurting, not feeling right, something just doesn’t feel right. my hands still swollen, and now I notice a rash on my chest..geez!!! what next.